Looking back on my life from the vantage point of a creator, I now see what one of my biggest heartbreaks has been in this lifetime: I wasn’t able to create from the energy I felt. I believe I came in with a deep understanding of spirituality and my connection to God. I was shy, thoughtful and creepily observational.
I would watch situations unfold, like conversations and interactions between people, and I was truly fascinated. It was as if I was watching something brand new unfold, I was detached and in awe. Looking back, it definitely seems like an odd perspective to have as a little kid. I think I was naturally intrigued and interested with the reactions people had to words and situations in the world and this made a lot of people uncomfortable around me.
I was also very sensitive and I felt feelings inside that I had no words for. I believe I came in with a deep knowledge of love and of gratitude – but with no way to articulate it. So I watched and watched people very closely and then tried to mimic the movements of others around me. I really relied on my caretakers to show me how to be human.
Making Sense of My Nature
During a reading I had with a cosmic healer in 2011, I was told he was having a hard time access
ing some information about me because it seemed I had guardians of the star family type watching over me, making it hard for him to access the information he needed about me. He also said a lot of my immediate family members were human humans, and I remember feeling somewhat relieved. At the time I didn’t know why it was such a relief but now I understand it was because he was articulating the different-ness I always felt. It also highlighted why I relied so much on those loving beings to show me how to be human. I looked to them as if they were my only lifeline to
survival, an intensity they didn’t seem to understand.
But the plan doesn’t always go smoothly, does it? Without any knowledge of this, my mimicking would only take me so far. While my family connected me to spirituality in many different ways, they also taught me what doesn’t work when the human-ness, what we like to identify as the ego, gets in the way.
I understand now that my deep desire to spread love and compassion, (the energetic pattern of Pisces), was so intense I would do anything to express it. Do you know what it is like to feel so deeply yet not have the world care?
When I saw someone harmed, I felt a deep well of sadness within me. It was so great an experience I wanted to crawl out of my skin. And when I loved, I loved deeply. I felt it so deeply I wanted to crawl out o
f my skin. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to get enough of the energy I felt expressed from my body. I became nervous and anxiety ridden. I feared to feel any type of feeling.
Getting Rid of the Pressure
Through the years the pressure mounted. There were more relationships in my family that were strained which meant less time for me to connect with people. I desperately needed to connect to them. I needed help. I wanted to ask, “What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so much, (bad)?”
Like many sensitive, lost souls, I contemplated suicide a few times because it didn’t seem like anything in the world could help me release the pressure within me. I turned to distractions, finding all kinds of ways to keep my mind busy. By the time I was in my twenties, I learned how to turn off most of the energy I was feeling so I could survive my daily routine of school and job and kids. This worked for a while but it wouldn’t be a permanent fix. Eventually, I would come to struggle with chronic pain, (so I could get back in the body), and chronic anxiety, (to learn how to mind the mind).
A Creator’s Learning Path
Back then everything seemed hard and unfulfilling. Now I know it was all part of the learning we choose to have as souls. The human condition is our curriculum, the physical world is the classroom.
See the hardest part for us is not choosing the circumstances or families to come into. No, as a soul that is easy. The harder issue we face is learning how to learn. We face a lot of unknowns in life. We have bodies and minds to figure out. How does a soul use the body and the mind it inhabits to express its divine nature, its spiritual energetics?
Some of my darkest moments have come from what I call the stifled creator within. As an extension of the creative forces, we are used to seeing the energy we express made manifest into some form. This form is usually vibration, (when we are not in a material playground), and circumstances, (when we are in form).
So imagine what it is like for someone who remembers more of their true creator nature being plopped into a regularly scheduled lecture. They have chosen to come to this planet to express their divine nature in a different way, (physical form), and they can’t seem to express their energy. They don’t see it anywhere. This is confusing because they feel it, they know it is there. And they know the energy to creation process should work because it always worked before, what is wrong with them?
What is Wrong with Me?
Now most of the time we don’t blame the suits we are in, unless of course they are sickly. Nope, we go straight into blaming ourSelves. We must have fallen out of God’s grace somehow. We’ve lost our powers because we were bad. We didn’t make the cut, etc. Do you see where the natural creator in us starts to doubt who we are? And the human condition called low self esteem gets set and takes a hold of our life on earth.
Mix that low self esteem nature with guilt and add a little shame for “not getting it” and you’ve got yourself one miserable human being. This miserable human being starts creating from the energy of not enough, bad, abandoned, etc. This helps reinforce how “bad” they are. Soul learning becomes unbearable.
I Don’t See What I Feel!!
In my own experience, what’s hurt me the most is that I couldn’t seem to manifest the feelings I really had.
I’ll give you an example. Imagine seeing something so profoundly beautiful like your mom and dad hugging. And you feel so much love and acceptance in your body. It ramps up and ignites a warm glow of energy within you. You’ve got to express it, share it. It is so beautiful!
In your human way, you decide to try to express it. But something goes wrong. Your actions seemed to have startled them and the reaction you get is confusing. Was it your words? Why were they so mad at you?
There have been many times in my life I have wanted to share what I am feeling, yet still struggled to see it matched in the world around me. It’s been hard to see the energy expressed and met in its truest form. How does one help someone understand vibration anyway?
What is worse for a creator is the situation where I am generating love and acceptance but it is not being received in its truest vibration. My creator nature tells me I should be able to convey this vibration into the physical world. It is what I’ve come to do. I’ve come to create and share love, (or joy, harmony, acceptance), as a creator. I came to fill the human experience with this vibration. Why can’t I see it?
Now, logic tells me that if I am putting out the vibration of love and getting back hate, I must have filled the environment with hate. I then say to my creator self, “Whoops, my bad.”
And it isn’t always about the good vibrations going bad. In my life there have also been times where I wanted to convey anger and other emotions so my boundaries would be honored, but sometimes those vibrations weren’t received that way. Some of those energy expression experiments brought me more and more heartache through unsafe actions or experiences from others. It was so confusing.
I was very confused for a lot of my life. And then frustrated. And then hurt. I just wanted the world to feel my true nature but my mind and/or body wasn’t generating my vibrations in the appropriate ways. Or were they? How could I even know?
Why was I here if I couldn’t impact the world around me? Was I supposed to just show up here and be abused, hurt, abandoned? In my darkest moments I concluded I must be a really bad soul to have this kind of life. And you can see how this kind of conversation leads me out of my true Self and into forgetting who I am and wanting out of this place.
Hopefully by now you can see the tough assignment a creator in physical form has. For me, it wasn’t until I looked at my life from a creator perspective that I realized who I really was. But once I got back in the body and put my creator mindset into play, my life not only got better, it became exponentially better, faster.
But it hasn’t been a straight path. It took a lot of trial and error, I call them experiments, for me to learn how to harness the human body and mind energy systems to express energy out into the world. See, once we learn how to use the body and mind energy, and tap into our essence, we can and do see noticeable changes within our environment. Remember energy is not destroyed, it doesn’t just disappear, it is transformed. It influences the interaction between other energies. It is alchemy at its finest.
The Nature of Energy
What we forget about energy is that when we transmit it, it is received, felt, communicated outward to the surroundings. The surroundings include all things, people, animals, plants and buildings. All things are impacted by energy and all things have their own energy that impacts other things and on and on and on.
It wasn’t until my death initiations that I understood the creator energetics within us. One of the last adventures I took with my dear friend Barbara before she died was a beautiful exploration of what she called “creating the worlds”. She took me to a place that looked like streets but every building was a whole vibration of its own. Each of the worlds were represented by specific types of structures. There were houses, buildings, skyscrapers, shacks, etc.
She told me in a quiet excited voice that she remembered how we create the worlds and encouraged me to remember. I wish I could describe to you how potent that experience was, but there are no words to describe the wisdom I received in moving around that “universe” and within each world with her. It was profound, beautiful and familiar.
This time with her, that transmission, is what brought me to a synthesis of all the information I had retrieved over the years as I studied shamanism. I learned a lot about relationship and energy in studying shamanic practices and death processes. The time I spent with Barbara seemed to pull it all together, it was at that time that both my physical body and mind really got it. I finally realized the importance of relationship, all the relationships we have with everything in our life.
Relationship and Environment
Relationship energetics is one of the key concepts for becoming an effective creator in physical form. We all know how to create, we do it every second of the day. But what we forget is that:
- we don’t do it alone
- our spiritual energetic pattern is unique
- everything we interact with shows us energy
I don’t know about you, but some of the biggest pain in my life, my biggest heartbreak if you will, has happened within relationship. I have hurt so badly when my energy was misunderstood by the people I love. When someone I loved was hurt because something I did, I wanted to die. Remember the intense feeling nature? That’s how intense it felt for me and, as you can imagine, people around me thought I was being overly dramatic or melodramatic about it. But it was sincere, it was an honest response about how deeply I felt.
Now that I know what I know now, I can go back to all those memories and add the words, “I am a creator but I am not seeing what I wish to create. I feel bad and that means there has to be something wrong with me. What have I done wrong?”
Resting in Your Creator Nature
I write this today for those of you who, like me, have wrestled with this life in a way that no one has understood. I want you to know that all those deep heart wrenching experiences you have had within relationship, have actually been your salvation. We were supposed to remember that relationship is one of the keys to effectively working with energy down here.
Each one of those relationships has helped us step back and say, “Wait, what is wrong?” and “I have been so misunderstood.” I’ve probably let go of relationships prematurely in the past because I didn’t know they were helping me remember that, as an energetic being, I needed to keep looking and trying to get the vibration right. Maybe I could have learned faster if I’d just known that. But I didn’t know that each relationship was a mirror, showing me what I still needed to learn as an energetic creator in physical form.
Experiments and Feedback
In the Life Creator System I call this willingness to pause, “looking at the environment around you”. What I know now is the relationships we have can assist us in becoming better creators. Expressing energy using a physical body and mind are not the same as being an energy vibration expressed, (when we are out of body).
Let’s face it, things get messy in the environment because everyone is creating all the time. Some are creating messy situations while others are trying to create pristine conditions. Some souls seem more powerful, which can make others feel less powerful. But within relationship, everyone is powerful. It is just that some souls have learned how to express and change form better than others.
At times, relationships were just too much for me. So to stop feeling so much, I hid from my body, (imagination), for a while. I hid from people for a while. I judged the world around me as bad and stayed “just above it” for a while, too. I am not proud of this but I know now it was part of my learning because I learned all that hiding didn’t make life better. It made it worse.
I can personally tell you that when I stopped hiding from the world, and leaned into my physical environment for honest feedback about me, my life got better. Now I am not saying you are doing the same, but that was my adaptation so I am sure someone reading this had the same strategy I did.
It was only until my umpteenth dark night of the soul that I finally surrendered. I moved back into my body, then my world, then my mind and then relationship. I learned how to observe the world around me to see if the vibration matched what I was feeling and if it didn’t, I’d meditate on the relationship until I could see the mismatch and I’d start over again. And this is how the memory of my creator self burst forth.
As a deeper experiment, I took about a year and a half where I entered into relationship with nature and every bit of material in my house. I treated every interaction as a relationship, i.e. as a way to understand my energetic nature. And when I say I treated every interaction, I mean every interaction. No matter what size or type of object or what level of personal relationship I had. Everything became an energetic interaction to me. And that is how I began listening to my creator self.
So if you are like I was, upset by the negativity around you or perplexed by the relationships in your life, you’ve found a home. And now you have access to a system that has come in at this time, specifically for you, dear creator soul, so you can learn that generating the energy you want and impacting the world around you is possible.
We’ve come here to create. We are an extension of our Creator. It is time to use your spiritual energetics in relationships to create Heaven on Earth.